


i'd be so lost if you left me alone

by curseofmen



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fix-It, Gen, Healthy Communication, Platonic Cuddling, Pre-Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, also barely pre tcw s7, anakin little spoon rights!, he gets multiple, implied at least - Freeform, shocking announcment: anakin skywalker's secret marriage is most definitely not a secret, yeah giving them what canon couldn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24917110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curseofmen/pseuds/curseofmen
Summary: Anakin looks up just in time to catch Obi-Wan's blank stare that's directed at him."I took a calculated guess." His voice sounds a little hoarse, almost a little hesitant. "You're not as discreet as you think you are.""Oh."[or: Anakin and Padmé are the worst kept secret on Coruscant but Obi-Wan would do anything for Anakin's happiness]
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 24
Kudos: 319





	i'd be so lost if you left me alone

**Author's Note:**

> after rediscovering that deleted rots scene where obi-wan tells padmé that he knows about her and anakin and that he's HAPPY for them i thought why not put my insomnia to good use and write this drabble  
> there's a dialogue chunk in this in cursive which is the quote i shoplifted from rots which inspired this

Anakin makes sure that the _Resolute_ lands on Coruscant before the _Negotiator_ does and then he makes his grand escape. Rex hasn’t asked what’s wrong ever since he got back on the ship, neither have the rest of the men, with his clothes drenched from the rain and a scowl that tells them they’re better off _not_ asking about what happened. He has spent a lot of time perfecting said scowl.

Even though everything is a little less bright ever since Ahsoka left them, left him, he’s glad now that he doesn’t have to bring her back to the temple and can just take off instead. It’s not like she didn’t know, she’s insinuated as much before she left, but it’s easier that way. 

No worried glances he has to ignore and feel bad about later on. Obi-Wan can debrief the council and if they’re going to be angry with him for not showing up Anakin couldn’t care less for that in this very moment. Instead, he gets one of the speeders from outside the docking point for the ships and then he takes off. After countless times of returning to Coruscant for shore leave during this seemingly never-ending war, he knows the way to the apartment by heart. 

Padmé’s apartment―possibly the only place he’d ever dare to call home. He pulls his cloak over his head before he gets off the speeder since he can’t exactly have anyone see him enter senator Padmé Amidala’s apartment in the middle of the night. For once he doesn’t enter through the gigantic balcony since the shields are already up for the night and uses the front door instead, where he punches the code into the datapad next to the door with somewhat too much force. In a swift motion and in all its quietness the doors swing open and Anakin enters the apartment. Not caring too much for his formal Jedi attire he loses his cloak and boots by the door, letting them drop to the floor. The lights in the apartment are dimmed down but Anakin knows his way around with his eyes closed. With the table and living room empty before him, Anakin can at least assume that Padmé is getting some sleep for once unless she’s still at the Senate building which would result in Anakin going to bed even more sad and angry―he hasn’t figured it out yet. 

His emotions are all but a big mess. He wants to be angry, desperately so, but this one time where he really _wants_ to feel angry he can’t. More and more he starts to realise that the overwhelming feeling that settles heavily into his chest is nothing more but bone-deep aching sadness. Anakin is still angry because he can push other feelings aside when he wants to and that’s exactly what he wants to do right now. And even if he’s not that angry he can still pretend he is. After all, rage has become an emotion far too familiar with him. 

Some of the weight lifts off of his chest and lets him breathe a little easier when he spots Padmé curled up in the bed in the bedroom. 

“Lights twenty-five percent,” Anakin mutters. He’d rather not give Padmé a heart attack with him suddenly showing up in the middle of the night. After all, he only was supposed to get back to Coruscant in the morning. With the lights turned up Padmé begins to stir. She turns around and her eyes widen in surprise. 

“Ani?”, she says, voice thick from sleep. “You’re back already?” Anakin shrugs with his shoulders from where he’s leaning in the door with one shoulder. Upon his rather less enthusiastic welcome, which is _not_ how it normally goes when he comes back to Coruscant, Padmé sits up in the bed. Her hair curls around her shoulders and it’s a little unkempt in the middle of the night―rarely a sight she ever lets anyone in on. For a brief moment, Anakin thinks about how he hasn’t been able to protect that much of his dignity throughout the war―he’d probably take a lifetime to reminisce how many times either Obi-Wan, Ahsoka or the men have seen him drenched in water or mud or another unfavourable substance, have him seen crash ships and barely get back from missions where Obi-Wan would accuse him that a youngling could’ve come up with a safer plan. He's probably right but thinking about Obi-Wan only makes his chest uncomfortably tighten up at the moment. 

“What’s wrong?” Padmé asks once she doesn’t really get an answer from him and her eyebrows furrow in concern. And that is all it takes for Anakin to flop down on the bed next to her and press his head into one of the pillows. Oh, how he misses the pillows in Padmé’s apartment when he’s away. Padmé starts patting his head very softly, very gently a second later.

“Had a fight,” Anakin mumbles, voice muffled by the pillow. 

“Do you want to turn around?” Padmé says. With a groan, Anakin rolls around so he can lay his head in Padmés lap and stare up to her. Some of the heaviness in his chest starts to melt away once Padmé puts her hands around his face and strokes her thumbs over his cheeks. “Who did you fight with?”

Anakin doesn’t even want to know just exactly how miserable the look he gives her is when her face changes from confusion to understanding in a heartbeat. 

“Ani, it couldn’t have been that bad,” she says quietly. But where her voice is usually full of so much confidence there’s a tinge of doubt in there. 

“It was,” Anakin retorts and he knows Padmé obviously knows that he’s trying very hard not to cry. “And now I obviously can never look Obi-Wan in the eyes again.”

“What happened with Obi-Wan?”

Anakin doesn’t really want to talk about it but Padmé has also spent a lot of time of their relationship getting him to understand that he needs to talk about his feelings and not, in her own words, “release them into the Force or whatever this is supposed to mean.” and if he doesn’t like disappointing Obi-Wan he likes disappointing Padmé even less. 

“It’s just,” Anakin mutters, “the mission was going badly anyway and Obi-Wan and I didn’t agree on anything we were doing in the first place and then we just started arguing.”

There’s a small smile tugging at the corner of Padmé’s lips―albeit a hesitant one. “You two argue a lot, Ani. I fail to see how that one was so different from the other times.”

“I said some things,” Anakin finally admits and immediately wants to take it back just like the words themselves, “things that were really horrible.”

Anakin doesn’t even know how they got to this point of argument when Anakin just started yelling and Obi-Wan didn’t, because Obi-Wan never yells which only makes Anakin yell more. 

_“You never wanted Master Qui Gon to take me with you in the first place,” he remembers very vividly screaming, “and then you only took me as a Padawan because Master Qui Gon made you promise!”_

_“Anakin―”_

_“No, you never wanted_ me _."_

_"Now, that's not―"_

_"You can admit it, Obi-Wan. You'd rather have Qui Gon here than me, because you clearly don't trust me!"_

There was a lot more from accusing the council of not trusting him either, to yelling some more about Qui Gon and how Obi-Wan should've never taken him in. And to really bury all that is there to their relationship in the ground he watched with cruel satisfaction as sheer and utter hurt settled onto Obi-Wan's face when he told him that maybe he would've turned out better if Qui-Gon would've been here. And then he stormed off. 

Padmé is stunned into silence when he finishes talking and Anakin internally cringes, because if it’s enough to make Padmé go quiet for a moment it’s bad. It’s nothing something he experiences often. Anakin remembers her being speechless after he told her about the truth of the Rako Hardeen Mission―it’s not like she didn’t understand, Senator, after all, she would’ve probably done the same thing as Obi-Wan but she still got a little angry, on his behalf at least.

Her hands still rest in his face. “Oh, Anakin.”

“It’s just,” he mumbles, “I felt it when you came to Tatooine all those years ago. Obi-Wan never wanted to come in the first place and what he wanted even less was fo Master Qui-Gon to pick me up and get in trouble with the council again.”

“But―”

“I just―sometimes I think the way I became his Padawan in the first place makes me a disappointment on its own.”

Padmé moves her legs under his head, extends them and then wraps them around his waist. While Anakin is trying very hard to look anywhere but at Padmé and her gentle eyes, she leans down and presses a kiss to his forehead.

“How was your day?”, Anakin asks, aware of how bad his attempt at distracting from the problem at hand is. Also, he wants to know because he loves her and if her days was at least a little bit better than his own then that's good enough for him.

“It was good.” It’s only a split moment that Padmé indulges him―Anakin knows it won’t last long. “Now, about what happened…”

Anakin sighs deeply and finally turns his head around to lock eyes with Padmé again. “Fine.”

“I think you could never be a disappointment to Obi-Wan.”

“Clearly,” he retorts, “I haven’t told you enough about my Padawan days.”

“I for my part have heard enough about your many near-death situations,” she laughs quietly. The sound of her laugh is enough to replace the frown on Anakin’s face for a fraction of a heartbeat. “Still, maybe you should not only talk to me about these things but to Obi-Wan as well. I think that would help a lot.”

“I never know what’s going on with him.”

“Talking―”

“Yeah, but his shields are like always up,” Anakin whines, “even when I’m talking to him I don’t know how he’s feeling.”

“There’s an easy answer to this as well.”

Padmé picks up a few of his hair strands and begins braiding them like she often tends to do when either of them is stressed. Anakin never really has the time to take them out when he has to leave in a rush in the mornings. Sometimes Obi-Wan will stare at them a suspiciously long moment and it will make Anakin’s stomach sink, thinking that Obi-Wan will make him spill his secrets any minute now. “You know, you could _ask_ him how he feels. That would be easy.”

Anakin squeezes his eyes shut and allows himself to relax into Padmés touch. Rationally, he knows he’ll have to face Obi-Wan in the morning because he can’t hide in Padmé’s apartment forever, there is a war to win after all. That doesn’t mean he can’t wait for one night, though because he will take as many moments as he can get between now and the conversation they’ll at some point are going to have. If he gets lucky it won’t be in front of the whole council and at the end of it, they won't have him kicked out.

“Can we just sleep?” Anakin whispers. 

“Fine,” Padmé agrees, voice just as quiet as his own. Both of them start shifting and Padmé pulls the covers over their bodies, while Anakin tightens his arms around her waist and presses himself impossibly close to her. Padmé rests her head on top of his’ and he can finally feel his heartbeat slowing down. 

◇

Anakin wakes up sometime later with the Force ringing in his mind and a presence pulsing dangerously close to Padmé’s apartment. He jerks awake in a second and brings Padmé’s sleep to a quick end as well. 

“What is it?”, she mumbles, her face still buried in his hair so it comes out all muffled. Her arms loosen around him as soon as she registers that Anakin makes an attempt to sit up. Anakin could identify the force signature that’s looming outside of the apartment at any time and under any circumstances. Where it most of the times lets him brighten in relief in the moment of battle or brings comfort when the quietness of the aftershocks hits―now it only makes him want to throw up. 

“Obi-Wan is here,” he croaks out. Now that is certainly enough of an announcement for Padmé to sit up as well. 

“It’s all over now,” Anakin says, and he knows he’s going to start spiralling now, “he knows I'm here, which means he knows about us and now he’s gonna tell the council because why would he put up with me after what happened? And this is the easiest way to get rid of me.” He's vaguely aware of how his heartbeat picks up the way it usually only does in battle and then Padmé's hands which are taking his face into theirs and turn his head around to her. 

“Anakin,” Padmé whispers and strokes some of his curls out of his face and then lets her hands rest at his temples, “do you really think Obi-Wan would ever do something like this to you?”

“Why wouldn’t he?”, he asks, his own voice ringing miserably in his ears, “I would certainly deserve it.”  
“I don’t think it’s anything the two of you can’t fix.”

“Well, maybe he doesn’t want to fix it this time.”

"He loves you, Anakin."

"Maybe-"

"No, maybe," Padmé shoots back, her voice firm but gentle, as always, with the unique possibility to calm him down no matter the situation, "the only way you can fix this is if you face him."

Anakin lets his head drop onto her shoulder. "I think, I would rather sleep and then at one point magically wake up to all of this being over."

Followed by a little laugh Padmé taps at his head gently. 

"Talk to him, Ani," she says. The way she says it is pretty much final and thus the only thing Anakin can do is get up and accept his fate-with a scared heart and shaking hands.

Padmé stays in the bedroom. It's not like there's really any denying of what's going on and there's no sense to it anyway. Obi-Wan showing up here in the middle of the night is him basically already yelling that he _knows._ And that's it's over now. Obi-Wan will tell Anakin that he has been tolerating this for far too long now and that's it's time for all of this to end, and even if he would end it, not like he ever could he's _married,_ Obi-Wan would still tell the council because the past can't be erased. 

Anakin fumbles with the sleeve of his robe that still hasn't fully dried on the way to the door. The ever so warm and calm force signature of Obi-Wan is right behind the door very much in contrast to Anakin's own force signature which is said to be bright like an exploding star (in Obi-Wan's and Ahsoka's words). 

What Obi-Wan would call a misuse of the force now he waves his hand to open the door to the apartment so that he won't be face to face with Obi-Wan immediately. It's still a safe distance to just be able to turn around and leap off of the balcony if it should become necessary. When the door swings open Anakin feels like someone punched him in the rips, emptying all air that is left in his lungs. 

Obi-Wan has had better days from what looks like. The deep circles under his eyes and the dirt in his copper hair are nothing particularly new to Anakin but it appears that he hasn't even changed out of his robes from their mission, similar to Anakin, only that for Obi-Wan it's highly uncharacteristic. Both of them just stand there for a moment, neither of them saying anything. 

"Hello," Anakin says quietly. 

"May I come in?" Obi-Wan asks, raising an eyebrow. There's no malice behind is eyebrow raise, only familiarity. Anakin nods, now pointedly staring at the ground. 

"So, uhm," he mutters, "how did you know I was here?"

Anakin looks up just in time to catch Obi-Wan's blank stare that's directed at him. 

"I took a calculated guess." His voice sounds a little hoarse, almost a little hesitant. "You're not as discreet as you think you are."

"Oh."

The door closes behind Obi-Wan again and it's like now that they're both here in Anakin's safe space it's finally given him time to speak freely. He takes a deep breath. 

"When are you…," he starts off only to interrupt himself again, while Obi-Wan takes a cautious step in his general direction, "are you going to tell the Council?"

Anakin feels like asking for confirmation is at this point merely a formality. 

"Anakin―"

"Because, I think I'd like to tell them myself then if you'll let me of course, this is completely your―"

"Anakin." This time it's Obi-Wan who's interrupting him. That's almost a first. By now he has crossed all the space between them so that he's standing right in front of Anakin. 

There’s hurt dancing across Obi-Wan’s face and it makes Anakin _ache_. “I didn’t think I was ever that terrible that you’d think I’d ever―" 

“No,” Anakin blurts out and there's immediate anger flaring up in him, “No, this is on me. I'm sorry, you never did anything wrong, I―” He doesn’t know what he wants to say, where he wants to start with untangling all this mess, so he just… flings himself at Obi-Wan, who, at the sheer force Anakin throws himself at him with, stumbles back a little but regains his composure fast enough. Ever the grace of a Jedi. For a moment nothing happens but then Obi-Wan tightens one arm around Anakin’s waist and puts his other hand at the back of Anakin’s head. 

"I'm so sorry," he whispers, face pressed into Obi-Wan's neck, "And I am _thankful_ for you taking me in, no matter if you wanted me or not I―" Anakin wraps his arms around Obi-Wan’s waist in an almost impossibly tight fashion. 

He only really notices because he's so attuned to Obi-Wan he notices even the smallest shift in the way he moves, stands and breathes. And Obi-Wan is shaking, not very much, to be more precise he's shaking so little an outsider wouldn't even notice―but Anakin is Anakin and Obi-Wan is his family and of course he notices. Anakin hooks his chin over Obi-Wan’s shoulder. 

“Will you forgive me, please?” Anakin whispers. 

“Always, Padawan.” Obi-Wan moves his arms to either side of Anakin’s arms and presses him away so they can look each other in the eyes. “Anakin, you _do_ need to know that I never wanted to give you the impression that I regret taking you as my Padawan or that I didn’t want you as my Padawan in the first place.”

“Rationally,” Anakin shrugs his shoulders, “most of the times.”

“Well, you must know that I’m honoured that you’re my Padawan all of the times,” Obi-Wan says. Anakin, with a heavy heart, notices the glassy look that’s settled into Obi-Wan’s eyes. “And that I’m proud of you.”

“Oh,” Anakin mutters, “I’m proud to be your Padawan too, honest.”

Obi-Wan offers him a small smile. “Well, you haven’t been a Padawan in a rather long time.”

Anakin just throws his arms around Obi-Wan’s waist again and this time it’s Obi-Wan who buries his head against Anakin’s shoulder. They remain like statues for a moment, only holding onto each other. 

They only let go once both of them sense another presence in the living room, even before so Padmé can clear her throat. Anakin can sense the slight embarrassment vibrating from Obi-Wan once they turn towards Padmé. There’s a smile on her lips as she watches them. 

“So, I suppose that went well?”

“Quite so,” Obi-Wan retorts with a sideways glance to Anakin, who just nods in confirmation. 

“Do you want tea?”

“If it’s not too much trouble, Padmé.” Padmé promptly turns around on her heels and she’s off to the kitchen, while Anakin grabs Obi-Wan’s hand and begins tugging him towards the couch. 

“I’m tired,” is all Anakin offers as an explanation. He waits for Obi-Wan to sit down on the couch before he drops down next to Obi-Wan and lets himself fall like he’s nothing, his rest coming to rest in Obi-Wan’s lap. For a moment Obi-Wan tenses up until he relaxes with a little sigh as if he’s come to not only accept Anakin’s attachment to Padmé but Anakin’s attachment to himself as well. 

Obi-Wan pats his head like Padmé always does and it’s enough to send him spiralling down in a turmoil of emotions. While Obi-Wan is back to his composed self Anakin still feels like crying. He brings his knees up to his chest and closes his eyes. Thankfully Obi-Wan doesn’t stop patting his head otherwise Anakin would’ve probably lost the last bit of his dignity when he’d have to ask Obi-Wan to continue. 

“Sleep, Padawan,” Obi-Wan whispers. The Force feels warm around him and the waves of affection that rush through to him make him relax. It's a rare moment of Obi-Wan letting his shields drop and Anakin will bathe in it as long as he can. Still, he closes his eyes and simply allows himself to be and remain for one heartbeat―or some more.

He hears Padmé settle onto the couch next to Obi-Wan with the tea both of them probably need after once again putting up with him. 

"So," Padmé says after a moment of silence and clears her throat. She sounds somewhat awkward and if for another moment Anakin would tease her for it. "You knew?"

He imagines Obi-Wan gives her one of his unimpressed looks that he sometimes gives their enemies. And also Anakin―Obi-Wan gives Anakin that look a lot. 

_“I am not blind, Padmé,”_ Obi-Wan says, hand still resting at the top of Anakin’s head, now gently stroking it _, “Though I have tried to be, for Anakin’s sake. And for yours. Anakin has loved you since the day you met, in that horrible junk shop on Tatooine. He’s never even tried to hide it, though we do not speak of it. We… pretended that I didn’t know. And I was happy to, because it made him happy. You made him happy, when nothing else ever truly could.”_

“I think you’re selling yourself short, Obi-Wan,” Padmé says. Maybe there’s a little bit of sadness in her voice when she says that. Anakin curls into himself tighter as if it could convince Obi-Wan of the fact that he is, in fact, selling himself way too short. They fought a lot, especially in his Padawan years, but Obi-Wan is still his family. Father, brother, best friend, whatever really, he’s _everything_ next to Padmé that matters to him.

"Anakin turned out fine," Padmé says. If it weren't in defence for Obi-Wan he would probably tell her that he feels like a failure most of the days. However, when doesn't that's thanks to everything Obi-Wan has taught him.

"Please." Obi-Wan snorts. "Sometimes I pray he forgets everything I've ever told him."

"Well, _I'm_ glad that he didn’t forget everything you’ve ever told him,” snaps Padmé, but there’s no malice behind her tone. “Now, what?”

Obi-Wan doesn’t answer. 

“I mean, what will happen now with the Council? And us?”

Under him, Anakin can feel Obi-Wan shift a little bit. “I’ve kept this a secret for almost three years,” he retorts, “I can continue to keep it a secret. Anakin can decide what he wants to do, maybe once this war is over.”

Padmé sighs. In a way, they always circle back to the war and the question for how long the war is still gonna wage on. They’re all tired of it and more and more Anakin tends to understand why Padmé took Ahsoka behind enemy lines one time in hopes of bringing them a step closer to peace. It’s peace he desperately aches for. Padmé shuffles closer to Obi-Wan and soon enough he feels her hands in his hair as well and she continues braiding small strands of his it.

“You know,” Obi-Wan says quietly, “he never really takes these braids out.”

Anakin feels himself drifting away slowly but surely. “Oh.” Padmé starts a new braid. “I really thought we were better at hiding it.”

“If it makes you feel better… except for Captain Rex, Ahsoka I think and me, no one knows.”

“Great,” Padmé huffs. “you three weren’t exactly supposed to know either. But I’m glad you know, really.”

"Well, I'm glad the two of you get to be happy."

"Mh, you're part of it too. I don't think he could ever be truly happy with you missing from his life."

Whatever escapes Obi-Wan’s throat, the sound he makes comes close to a laugh. More of a delighted laugh, like he wasn't aware that Padmé is so right about this. It makes affectionate warmth bloom in Anakin’s chest, all while setting free fierce determination to make sure Obi-Wan is aware of it all throughout the future. So he might never doubt himself again when it comes to Anakin.

And as the sun starts rising over Coruscant Anakin is surrounded by Obi-Wan and Padmé. Obi-Wan is still stroking his hair while talking to Padmé and Anakin wants to believe that it might just turn out alright in the end. The war is still waging on and no one really knows when it’s coming to an end but for this very moment, it’s okay. Padmé and Obi-Wan continue talking in low and calm voices, always the clouded sky before Anakin’s storm hits, and Anakin falls asleep. At peace for once with two souls next to him which are so undeniably closely intertwined with his own.

**Author's Note:**

> once anakin is starting to have the dreams about padme he tells obi wan and yall can make up how it goes from there, only know: the only thing we get is uncle obi-wan as we deserved it !  
> once again here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/bIyIas) and my [tumblr](https://curse-of-men.tumblr.com/)


End file.
